Losery losers

I spoke to my brother about my sister's idea that only losers don't have kids. He was in 100% agreement: "If you don't have kids, you've lost the genetic race. You are literally a loser." He did agree with me that some people shouldn't have kids, but according to him, the reason is that those people are losers and intentionally or not, they're weeding themselves out for the good of the population. This coming from the kid who didn't know the months of the year until he was 13.

See: http://nakedpicsofhotcelebs.blogspot.com/2010/05/my-mother-is-contagious.html

Starting at the moment of conception...

...you're doing it wrong.

Apparently, there are people in the world who know the exact date of their child's conception, which suggests to me that they are having sex so infrequently that they don't have to narrow down the possible dates - there's just one. Really, the only way to know the exact date of your child's conception is if you only have sex once a month, and I know sometimes there are reasons to only have sex once a month (if one of you is in the army, for example, or if you're married to Larry King), but why would you bring a child into that? If I ever have kids, I want to be able to tell them, "Yeah, your father and I were boning so much that we didn't notice I was pregnant until you started crowning."

My mother is contagious

I had the following conversation with my sister while we were cooking a Mother's Day dinner today:

My sister: Do you think you'll ever have kids?

Me: I dunno, maybe.

My sister (shocked, as if I told her I was a Scientologist): What? Why wouldn't you have kids?

Me: Because once you have kids, your life belongs to them.

My sister: Yeah, but all your friends will have kids too. What are you going to do if you don't have kids, hang out with all your loser friends who can't get anyone?

I'd say there's a gap between "someone who doesn't want children" and "loser who can't get anyone," but my sister clearly disagrees.

See: http://nakedpicsofhotcelebs.blogspot.com/2010/04/theyll-come-after-my-kids.html

Screw you guys, I'm going home

I like kids. I like them a lot. They're funny, they're cute, and they provide insight into your own development. I like talking to them, I like watching them do kid things, I like running around with them at the park. That stuff is all fun.

What isn't fun is playing games with them. They're always changing the rules, first of all ("No, I'm not out. The couch is base.") and if you argue, you feel petty. After all, why do I care if kids change the rules in the middle of the game? But I do care, because it's not fucking fair, dammit.

Second, their games are boring. Do you know what Store is? It's a game where you pick up stuff in their basement, pretend to buy it, and then put it in a pile. Over and over and over. Why do they want to play Store? Or School? Why do they want to play School if they already spent eight hours in school? I don't know. They're kids.

Third, sometimes their games get weird. Cops and Robbers is not a game I want to play with a child. I don't want a child to tie me up. And you can argue that it's not at all sexual, but I remember how fun it was to be chased by the boys when I was a little girl. I remember wanting to be caught.

Frankly, I don't think it's healthy for kids to play pretend games with adults. They should be playing with other kids. You know why they like playing with adults? Because adults never change the rules in the middle of a game and adults go along with basically whatever the kid decides to do and adults don't give a shit who gets the red scooter. When you're playing a game with a kid, you're a prop. And that's kind of bullshit, like, why am I the prop when I've done so much more than you? I can read. I can do long division. I survived to adulthood. You think you're better than me? Fine. I'll just sit in the corner and read a book until my mom comes to pick me up.

A child's unintentionally revolting mind

I hear people talk about the unknowingly magical minds of children all the time, mainly on television. For these people, I would like to present a conversation I had with the six-year-old boy I babysit. We were sitting on his bedroom floor, playing the card game War.

Him: I want to have sex with my mom.

Me: ... Oh. Well...

Him: Sex is when you have a little meal in bed with your wife or girlfriend.

Me: Oh!

Him: I want to do that with my mom.

Me: Well, that sounds like fun.

Him: Have you ever done that?

Me: No. Never.