Starting at the moment of conception...

...you're doing it wrong.

Apparently, there are people in the world who know the exact date of their child's conception, which suggests to me that they are having sex so infrequently that they don't have to narrow down the possible dates - there's just one. Really, the only way to know the exact date of your child's conception is if you only have sex once a month, and I know sometimes there are reasons to only have sex once a month (if one of you is in the army, for example, or if you're married to Larry King), but why would you bring a child into that? If I ever have kids, I want to be able to tell them, "Yeah, your father and I were boning so much that we didn't notice I was pregnant until you started crowning."

THE RETARDED GUY’S GUIDE TO FASHION:

Or You're Making This Harder than it is

Jeans: Don’t wear light denim. Don’t wear jeans that are too loose. Don’t wear jeans that are too tight. Cuffed jeans and jeans that are too short only really work if you wear them right—in other words, you have to be a hipster and/or worthy of being featured on The Sartorialist.

Shorts: Cargo shorts should be illegal because they make you look like a d-bag. Don’t wear shorts that end below the knee, for fuck’s sake! Most guys think “the longer my shorts, the manlier I look”—not true, ya’ll. Not true.

Shoes: Don’t wear athletic shoes if you are not doing athletics. Don’t wear flip flops if you are not on the beach/near a pool. Don’t wear aqua socks...ever—children who wear aqua socks get picked on for being pussies, so I don't even know why they bother making ADULT aqua socks. Don’t wear Tevas with socks. Actually, just don’t wear Tevas. Fuck it, don’t wear sandals, period. Are Birkenstocks still culturally relevant on the east coast? Whatever, don’t wear those either. Don't get me started on Crocs.

T-Shirts: Seriously? This is so fucking easy. Hanes white v-necks, they sell them in packs of a bajillion. Go crazy, just check for mustard stains periodically. If you’re older than 18, you really shouldn’t be wearing shirts with words on them. As far as band t-shirts go—i'm just speculating here, but no one cares about what you like...probably.

Hats: Don’t wear fedoras. Bowler hats are slightly less repulsive than fedoras but still risky business. Straw hats are ok if you’re a farmer or a scarecrow. If you’re gonna wear a baseball cap, don’t curve the fucking bill like you’re 8 years old and don’t flip it up like you’re OG. No bucket hats--Avey Tare is the only person in the world who is allowed to wear a bucket hat, because he revolutionized music, and you didn't. Knit caps are ok, as long as they’re not so huge that you look like you’re on your way to Hyrule Castle to rescue Princess Zelda. Yeah, I made a videogame joke, fuck off.

Jewelry: NO.
Beard: yes.
Hemp: please, no.

Nick Jonas: yes

Bro from MGMT circa 2k7: nope

Bro from MGMT, present day: yes
Suit: TAILORED…come on, guy.

Elvis Costello!

See? Easy peasy.

xo

You're doing it wrong

Dear weird 20-something-year-old bro I always see at the gym,

Every time I see you you’re running like a madman on the elliptical. Uh, the elliptical? Isn’t that a chick machine? I mean, I’m a chick and even I feel like a total fag when I’m on the elliptical. You’re always sweating really hard too, even though I once took a stealthy peek at the screen on your machine and…you are exercising at level one. Level one on the elliptical. I probably exert the same amount of energy sitting on the couch yelling at the TV for the rest of the Real Housewives to stop ganging up on Bethany. So stop grunting and panting, because it’s obvious your body is under zero stress considering you are doing the lowest-impact cardio on the lowest level possible on the gayest exercise machine ever invented. And really, what makes you think we want to hear you sing whatever bullshit song you’re listening to OUT LOUD? Do the words “gym etiquette” mean anything to you? No, seriously, elliptical bro, do you have some sort of social disorder? Actually, fuck it, that wouldn’t even be an excuse. I’ve actually started planning my visits to the gym around when you’re going to be “working out” just to make sure I’m not there to hear your ridiculous Ray Romano voice and see you sweating like a coke-head in a coke factory on free coke day. Just, please, get your shit together. I’m only trying to help-- you’re never gonna get laid if you keep doing it wrong.

xo