Make Room for Jerkwads

What the hell is going on with guys on the subway?

I take the subway to work four days a week, and every time I get on the train, I notice two things:

1. There are seven seats per subway bench. That means seven people can sit on a bench.

2. Until you remember that men need two seats.

These aren't small seats; a 200-pound man easily fits into one. Yet he takes up two. (Strangely, he is more likely to do this when he is riding with a friend. The only reason I can come up with is that if a man's clothed leg touches the leg of his buddy, it'll turn him.) Don't guys realize that the subway is public transportation? We all pay to use it. Your $2.25 didn't buy you a temporary living room, and everyone else on the train is just as exhausted as you are. Move the fuck over. Let your arm touch a stranger's. You don't have to call them the next day.

THE RETARDED GUY’S GUIDE TO FASHION:

Or You're Making This Harder than it is

Jeans: Don’t wear light denim. Don’t wear jeans that are too loose. Don’t wear jeans that are too tight. Cuffed jeans and jeans that are too short only really work if you wear them right—in other words, you have to be a hipster and/or worthy of being featured on The Sartorialist.

Shorts: Cargo shorts should be illegal because they make you look like a d-bag. Don’t wear shorts that end below the knee, for fuck’s sake! Most guys think “the longer my shorts, the manlier I look”—not true, ya’ll. Not true.

Shoes: Don’t wear athletic shoes if you are not doing athletics. Don’t wear flip flops if you are not on the beach/near a pool. Don’t wear aqua socks...ever—children who wear aqua socks get picked on for being pussies, so I don't even know why they bother making ADULT aqua socks. Don’t wear Tevas with socks. Actually, just don’t wear Tevas. Fuck it, don’t wear sandals, period. Are Birkenstocks still culturally relevant on the east coast? Whatever, don’t wear those either. Don't get me started on Crocs.

T-Shirts: Seriously? This is so fucking easy. Hanes white v-necks, they sell them in packs of a bajillion. Go crazy, just check for mustard stains periodically. If you’re older than 18, you really shouldn’t be wearing shirts with words on them. As far as band t-shirts go—i'm just speculating here, but no one cares about what you like...probably.

Hats: Don’t wear fedoras. Bowler hats are slightly less repulsive than fedoras but still risky business. Straw hats are ok if you’re a farmer or a scarecrow. If you’re gonna wear a baseball cap, don’t curve the fucking bill like you’re 8 years old and don’t flip it up like you’re OG. No bucket hats--Avey Tare is the only person in the world who is allowed to wear a bucket hat, because he revolutionized music, and you didn't. Knit caps are ok, as long as they’re not so huge that you look like you’re on your way to Hyrule Castle to rescue Princess Zelda. Yeah, I made a videogame joke, fuck off.

Jewelry: NO.
Beard: yes.
Hemp: please, no.

Nick Jonas: yes

Bro from MGMT circa 2k7: nope

Bro from MGMT, present day: yes
Suit: TAILORED…come on, guy.

Elvis Costello!

See? Easy peasy.

xo

Have we run out of fetishes?

I had to explain another black eye recently. I've had three black eyes from seizures this year, the spectacular kind that ooze pus and swell up so you have to squint all the time, and whenever you walk around in public with black eyes like that, the few people who don't avert their eyes will approach you and tell you, "You don't have to live your life this way." I actually like the invisibility of it: nobody catcalls a woman with a black eye. It's like a giant bruise turns you into a person, and being a person makes you uninteresting sexually. But anyway.

Meeting someone is different. Luckily, I've never had to go on a job interview or something with any visible bruises, but sometimes, you'll meet someone at a party, a friend of a friend, and they always ask, "So, how'd you get the black eye?" And I'd prefer they did this, honestly, because if the subject doesn't come up, they draw their own conclusions about how I got the bruise, and their conclusion is always "abusive boyfriend" and not "epilepsy." So I tell them, I had a seizure, and they ask about epilepsy and what is it and what should I do if you have a seizure? All questions that should be asked, and I answer them, and that's that.

Usually. But there's one question that about fifty percent of men and zero percent of women ask me: "So, have you ever had a seizure during sex?"

And I answer, "Yes."

And they salivate and ask, "So, what happened?"

"I dunno, I was unconscious."

Guys I've dated have asked what they should do if I have a seizure during sex, and I say it's okay if they keep going. Why not? Well, the one guy who tried it told me that he couldn't go on - my face was turning white and it looked like I was choking, so it may not be safe to have sex during a seizure.

However, there's a reason for a guy you're dating to ask you what to happen in the completely possible event that you have a seizure during sex. It's a safety issue, or something. When a guy you've just met asks you about seizure sex, his face giving every indication that he hopes you're into it, you have to wonder: have we run out of fetishes?