THE RETARDED GUY’S GUIDE TO FASHION:

Or You're Making This Harder than it is

Jeans: Don’t wear light denim. Don’t wear jeans that are too loose. Don’t wear jeans that are too tight. Cuffed jeans and jeans that are too short only really work if you wear them right—in other words, you have to be a hipster and/or worthy of being featured on The Sartorialist.

Shorts: Cargo shorts should be illegal because they make you look like a d-bag. Don’t wear shorts that end below the knee, for fuck’s sake! Most guys think “the longer my shorts, the manlier I look”—not true, ya’ll. Not true.

Shoes: Don’t wear athletic shoes if you are not doing athletics. Don’t wear flip flops if you are not on the beach/near a pool. Don’t wear aqua socks...ever—children who wear aqua socks get picked on for being pussies, so I don't even know why they bother making ADULT aqua socks. Don’t wear Tevas with socks. Actually, just don’t wear Tevas. Fuck it, don’t wear sandals, period. Are Birkenstocks still culturally relevant on the east coast? Whatever, don’t wear those either. Don't get me started on Crocs.

T-Shirts: Seriously? This is so fucking easy. Hanes white v-necks, they sell them in packs of a bajillion. Go crazy, just check for mustard stains periodically. If you’re older than 18, you really shouldn’t be wearing shirts with words on them. As far as band t-shirts go—i'm just speculating here, but no one cares about what you like...probably.

Hats: Don’t wear fedoras. Bowler hats are slightly less repulsive than fedoras but still risky business. Straw hats are ok if you’re a farmer or a scarecrow. If you’re gonna wear a baseball cap, don’t curve the fucking bill like you’re 8 years old and don’t flip it up like you’re OG. No bucket hats--Avey Tare is the only person in the world who is allowed to wear a bucket hat, because he revolutionized music, and you didn't. Knit caps are ok, as long as they’re not so huge that you look like you’re on your way to Hyrule Castle to rescue Princess Zelda. Yeah, I made a videogame joke, fuck off.

Jewelry: NO.
Beard: yes.
Hemp: please, no.

Nick Jonas: yes

Bro from MGMT circa 2k7: nope

Bro from MGMT, present day: yes
Suit: TAILORED…come on, guy.

Elvis Costello!

See? Easy peasy.

xo

...and it's more funsies when everyone wins!!

I’ve never been good at fake laughing, and up until a couple of years ago, I used to fake laugh really obviously to let people know they needed to try harder. But then I realized, HEY this is stupid! When life gives me lemons, I’m gonna make some fuckin lemon bars and share the extras with my neighbors so everyone is happy and no one gets fat. Similarly, when life gives me a shitty joke, I turn it into an awesome joke so I don’t have to fake laugh, and the poor soul I’m talking to thinks he’s hilarious and no one's feelings get hurt and all’s well that ends well. I know what you're thinking: just how do you make a shitty joke into an awesome joke? Well shut the fuck up and let me explain:

SCENARIO:
-I am talking to someone who, although sweet as pie, really isn’t funny.

-They make a “joke", which is usually stupid/generic/cliché/stolen from Dane Cook who probably stole it from Demetri Martin.

-In the fraction of a second it takes me to laugh, their failed attempt at humor jitterbugs into my brain, where I run it through a conceptual brita filter. Then I take all the bits with any comic potential and rearrange them into something that I can laugh at ironically.*

It's like a game! Essentially, what ends up happening is 99% of the time, I’m laughing at my own joke. Okay, to be fair I’m laughing at someone else’s “joke” which I’ve expertly deconstructed and reassembled in my head. And I know I’m doing all the work, and that doesn’t seem fair and in lieu of fake laughter I should probably just say something like “nice try, jackass” and peace out. But then everyone loses!

xo

*I should probably add: I never do this with friends, because real friends let friends know when they’ve made a shitty joke.

Review: What Is a Urinal?

I was going into the subway station the other day. I walked down the stairs holding onto the railing. I passed through some urine stench, gagged, and rushed through the turnstile. So far, normal. But then when I got onto the subway platform, I sniffed my hand and it smelled like I'd used it as toilet paper. Some asshole had decided to piss on the railing in a subway station and now my hand was covered in it.

You'll probably ask, Why were you holding the hand rail? Only old people do that. Well, I like holding onto the hand rail because otherwise my hands get bored, and I shouldn't have to justify using a hand rail in a subway station because I shouldn't expect people to piss on them. It shouldn't be like, "Well, you knew you were taking a risk, holding onto something that people could piss on." But that's the world we live in, and I think I know what's going on here. Some people are confused as to what is and is NOT a urinal. I will explain.

First of all, a urinal is always in a bathroom. Before unzipping your fly, you should check to make sure you are in a bathroom, or what you're about to piss on is probably not a urinal.

All right, you're saying, but once I'm in the bathroom, how do I know where to relieve myself? Urinals are white porcelain boxes lined up against the walls. They have drains in the bottom so that your piss doesn't just sit there. You can distinguish them from sinks because unlike sinks, they have no faucets.

But I like pissing on hand rails, you may say. It's convenient. It's funny when people's hands smell like my piss. And it's *my* piss, piss that I made with my own two kidneys; I should be able to put it wherever I want and you're lucky I'm sharing it with you at all. Why can't I piss on a hand rail? Fair points. The answer is that you can't piss on a hand rail because it's fucking disgusting and if I catch you doing it, I'll scalp you. You can't piss on hand rails.