Starting at the moment of conception...

...you're doing it wrong.

Apparently, there are people in the world who know the exact date of their child's conception, which suggests to me that they are having sex so infrequently that they don't have to narrow down the possible dates - there's just one. Really, the only way to know the exact date of your child's conception is if you only have sex once a month, and I know sometimes there are reasons to only have sex once a month (if one of you is in the army, for example, or if you're married to Larry King), but why would you bring a child into that? If I ever have kids, I want to be able to tell them, "Yeah, your father and I were boning so much that we didn't notice I was pregnant until you started crowning."

Have we run out of fetishes?

I had to explain another black eye recently. I've had three black eyes from seizures this year, the spectacular kind that ooze pus and swell up so you have to squint all the time, and whenever you walk around in public with black eyes like that, the few people who don't avert their eyes will approach you and tell you, "You don't have to live your life this way." I actually like the invisibility of it: nobody catcalls a woman with a black eye. It's like a giant bruise turns you into a person, and being a person makes you uninteresting sexually. But anyway.

Meeting someone is different. Luckily, I've never had to go on a job interview or something with any visible bruises, but sometimes, you'll meet someone at a party, a friend of a friend, and they always ask, "So, how'd you get the black eye?" And I'd prefer they did this, honestly, because if the subject doesn't come up, they draw their own conclusions about how I got the bruise, and their conclusion is always "abusive boyfriend" and not "epilepsy." So I tell them, I had a seizure, and they ask about epilepsy and what is it and what should I do if you have a seizure? All questions that should be asked, and I answer them, and that's that.

Usually. But there's one question that about fifty percent of men and zero percent of women ask me: "So, have you ever had a seizure during sex?"

And I answer, "Yes."

And they salivate and ask, "So, what happened?"

"I dunno, I was unconscious."

Guys I've dated have asked what they should do if I have a seizure during sex, and I say it's okay if they keep going. Why not? Well, the one guy who tried it told me that he couldn't go on - my face was turning white and it looked like I was choking, so it may not be safe to have sex during a seizure.

However, there's a reason for a guy you're dating to ask you what to happen in the completely possible event that you have a seizure during sex. It's a safety issue, or something. When a guy you've just met asks you about seizure sex, his face giving every indication that he hopes you're into it, you have to wonder: have we run out of fetishes?

A child's unintentionally revolting mind

I hear people talk about the unknowingly magical minds of children all the time, mainly on television. For these people, I would like to present a conversation I had with the six-year-old boy I babysit. We were sitting on his bedroom floor, playing the card game War.

Him: I want to have sex with my mom.

Me: ... Oh. Well...

Him: Sex is when you have a little meal in bed with your wife or girlfriend.

Me: Oh!

Him: I want to do that with my mom.

Me: Well, that sounds like fun.

Him: Have you ever done that?

Me: No. Never.