You're doing it wrong

Dear weird 20-something-year-old bro I always see at the gym,

Every time I see you you’re running like a madman on the elliptical. Uh, the elliptical? Isn’t that a chick machine? I mean, I’m a chick and even I feel like a total fag when I’m on the elliptical. You’re always sweating really hard too, even though I once took a stealthy peek at the screen on your machine and…you are exercising at level one. Level one on the elliptical. I probably exert the same amount of energy sitting on the couch yelling at the TV for the rest of the Real Housewives to stop ganging up on Bethany. So stop grunting and panting, because it’s obvious your body is under zero stress considering you are doing the lowest-impact cardio on the lowest level possible on the gayest exercise machine ever invented. And really, what makes you think we want to hear you sing whatever bullshit song you’re listening to OUT LOUD? Do the words “gym etiquette” mean anything to you? No, seriously, elliptical bro, do you have some sort of social disorder? Actually, fuck it, that wouldn’t even be an excuse. I’ve actually started planning my visits to the gym around when you’re going to be “working out” just to make sure I’m not there to hear your ridiculous Ray Romano voice and see you sweating like a coke-head in a coke factory on free coke day. Just, please, get your shit together. I’m only trying to help-- you’re never gonna get laid if you keep doing it wrong.

xo