Lessons for Boys

1. The first time you say "I love you" should not be when a girl is trying to break up with you.

2. Don't justify your shitty boyfriend behavior with the assumption: "I thought you had low standards."

3. When I make dinner, you better clean the dishes.

4. The anus is an exit, not an entrance.

5. Don't bring up an ex-girlfriend of 3 1/2 years when I'm trying to break up with you.

6. Don't ever bring up your ex-girlfriend of 3 1/2 years.

7. I don't care about how fucked up your previous relationships were. Cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it. And don't forget to empty your baggage into the river. I don't need to hear about that shit.

...more to follow

Losery losers

I spoke to my brother about my sister's idea that only losers don't have kids. He was in 100% agreement: "If you don't have kids, you've lost the genetic race. You are literally a loser." He did agree with me that some people shouldn't have kids, but according to him, the reason is that those people are losers and intentionally or not, they're weeding themselves out for the good of the population. This coming from the kid who didn't know the months of the year until he was 13.

See: http://nakedpicsofhotcelebs.blogspot.com/2010/05/my-mother-is-contagious.html

Make Room for Jerkwads

What the hell is going on with guys on the subway?

I take the subway to work four days a week, and every time I get on the train, I notice two things:

1. There are seven seats per subway bench. That means seven people can sit on a bench.

2. Until you remember that men need two seats.

These aren't small seats; a 200-pound man easily fits into one. Yet he takes up two. (Strangely, he is more likely to do this when he is riding with a friend. The only reason I can come up with is that if a man's clothed leg touches the leg of his buddy, it'll turn him.) Don't guys realize that the subway is public transportation? We all pay to use it. Your $2.25 didn't buy you a temporary living room, and everyone else on the train is just as exhausted as you are. Move the fuck over. Let your arm touch a stranger's. You don't have to call them the next day.

Sex and the City

Just watched a Daily Show interview with Michael Patrick King, executive producer of the TV show "Sex and the City" and writer of the latest SATC movie. In the new movie, the ladies all go to Abu Dhabi, where they'll ride around on camels and buy beaded slippers. Everyone was baffled about why they would do this, but King explained it all to Jon Stewart. His thought process was: Women don't have the money to go on vacation right now... so they're going to want to watch Carrie Bradshaw treat herself to the spa version of the Middle East, while not learning anything about the culture beyond "their shoes are cheap." No. That's not what I want to watch. The reason I loved the show to begin with was that Carrie is horrible and bad stuff happens to her. I want to watch a "Sex and the City" movie where Carrie's friends spend three hours insulting her and she cries. But this movie is going to make a zillion dollars and nobody will listen to me, even for art's sake.

Euthanize me

Euthanize me.

Is that what the puppies are saying? I wonder because I’ve never heard them talk. Have you?

I love how all these good-for-nothing shelters “euthanize” dogs. Let me tell you something about euthanasia: it’s painless killing when there is no other option. That means an incurable disease. If you have a dog at a shelter for five months and you put it down, that’s not euthanasia. That’s murder. And our society is full of murderers.
Two weeks ago I had to quit the refuge where I was volunteering. I had been gullible enough to believe that they were a no-kill shelter. But when I went for a training to walk dogs that had certain behavior issues—biting, chewing their leash, etc.—I found out that they kill their animals and it’s not only when they have a disease but when they get too aggressive. There was a dog that had been adopted and he bit five people, so this shelter—one of the most “reputable” in New York—put him down.
They tried to explain to me what a terrible quality of life the dogs have at a shelter. But I know nothing of dog heaven, so I’d rather keep a dog alive hoping that a good soul will eventually adopt him. That is, unless the dog, mature and tired turned to me and said, “Euthanize me, please.” No, I’d probably just take him to therapy.

Starting at the moment of conception...

...you're doing it wrong.

Apparently, there are people in the world who know the exact date of their child's conception, which suggests to me that they are having sex so infrequently that they don't have to narrow down the possible dates - there's just one. Really, the only way to know the exact date of your child's conception is if you only have sex once a month, and I know sometimes there are reasons to only have sex once a month (if one of you is in the army, for example, or if you're married to Larry King), but why would you bring a child into that? If I ever have kids, I want to be able to tell them, "Yeah, your father and I were boning so much that we didn't notice I was pregnant until you started crowning."

THE RETARDED GUY’S GUIDE TO FASHION:

Or You're Making This Harder than it is

Jeans: Don’t wear light denim. Don’t wear jeans that are too loose. Don’t wear jeans that are too tight. Cuffed jeans and jeans that are too short only really work if you wear them right—in other words, you have to be a hipster and/or worthy of being featured on The Sartorialist.

Shorts: Cargo shorts should be illegal because they make you look like a d-bag. Don’t wear shorts that end below the knee, for fuck’s sake! Most guys think “the longer my shorts, the manlier I look”—not true, ya’ll. Not true.

Shoes: Don’t wear athletic shoes if you are not doing athletics. Don’t wear flip flops if you are not on the beach/near a pool. Don’t wear aqua socks...ever—children who wear aqua socks get picked on for being pussies, so I don't even know why they bother making ADULT aqua socks. Don’t wear Tevas with socks. Actually, just don’t wear Tevas. Fuck it, don’t wear sandals, period. Are Birkenstocks still culturally relevant on the east coast? Whatever, don’t wear those either. Don't get me started on Crocs.

T-Shirts: Seriously? This is so fucking easy. Hanes white v-necks, they sell them in packs of a bajillion. Go crazy, just check for mustard stains periodically. If you’re older than 18, you really shouldn’t be wearing shirts with words on them. As far as band t-shirts go—i'm just speculating here, but no one cares about what you like...probably.

Hats: Don’t wear fedoras. Bowler hats are slightly less repulsive than fedoras but still risky business. Straw hats are ok if you’re a farmer or a scarecrow. If you’re gonna wear a baseball cap, don’t curve the fucking bill like you’re 8 years old and don’t flip it up like you’re OG. No bucket hats--Avey Tare is the only person in the world who is allowed to wear a bucket hat, because he revolutionized music, and you didn't. Knit caps are ok, as long as they’re not so huge that you look like you’re on your way to Hyrule Castle to rescue Princess Zelda. Yeah, I made a videogame joke, fuck off.

Jewelry: NO.
Beard: yes.
Hemp: please, no.

Nick Jonas: yes

Bro from MGMT circa 2k7: nope

Bro from MGMT, present day: yes
Suit: TAILORED…come on, guy.

Elvis Costello!

See? Easy peasy.

xo