THE RETARDED GUY’S GUIDE TO FASHION:

Or You're Making This Harder than it is

Jeans: Don’t wear light denim. Don’t wear jeans that are too loose. Don’t wear jeans that are too tight. Cuffed jeans and jeans that are too short only really work if you wear them right—in other words, you have to be a hipster and/or worthy of being featured on The Sartorialist.

Shorts: Cargo shorts should be illegal because they make you look like a d-bag. Don’t wear shorts that end below the knee, for fuck’s sake! Most guys think “the longer my shorts, the manlier I look”—not true, ya’ll. Not true.

Shoes: Don’t wear athletic shoes if you are not doing athletics. Don’t wear flip flops if you are not on the beach/near a pool. Don’t wear aqua socks...ever—children who wear aqua socks get picked on for being pussies, so I don't even know why they bother making ADULT aqua socks. Don’t wear Tevas with socks. Actually, just don’t wear Tevas. Fuck it, don’t wear sandals, period. Are Birkenstocks still culturally relevant on the east coast? Whatever, don’t wear those either. Don't get me started on Crocs.

T-Shirts: Seriously? This is so fucking easy. Hanes white v-necks, they sell them in packs of a bajillion. Go crazy, just check for mustard stains periodically. If you’re older than 18, you really shouldn’t be wearing shirts with words on them. As far as band t-shirts go—i'm just speculating here, but no one cares about what you like...probably.

Hats: Don’t wear fedoras. Bowler hats are slightly less repulsive than fedoras but still risky business. Straw hats are ok if you’re a farmer or a scarecrow. If you’re gonna wear a baseball cap, don’t curve the fucking bill like you’re 8 years old and don’t flip it up like you’re OG. No bucket hats--Avey Tare is the only person in the world who is allowed to wear a bucket hat, because he revolutionized music, and you didn't. Knit caps are ok, as long as they’re not so huge that you look like you’re on your way to Hyrule Castle to rescue Princess Zelda. Yeah, I made a videogame joke, fuck off.

Jewelry: NO.
Beard: yes.
Hemp: please, no.

Nick Jonas: yes

Bro from MGMT circa 2k7: nope

Bro from MGMT, present day: yes
Suit: TAILORED…come on, guy.

Elvis Costello!

See? Easy peasy.

xo

...and it's more funsies when everyone wins!!

I’ve never been good at fake laughing, and up until a couple of years ago, I used to fake laugh really obviously to let people know they needed to try harder. But then I realized, HEY this is stupid! When life gives me lemons, I’m gonna make some fuckin lemon bars and share the extras with my neighbors so everyone is happy and no one gets fat. Similarly, when life gives me a shitty joke, I turn it into an awesome joke so I don’t have to fake laugh, and the poor soul I’m talking to thinks he’s hilarious and no one's feelings get hurt and all’s well that ends well. I know what you're thinking: just how do you make a shitty joke into an awesome joke? Well shut the fuck up and let me explain:

SCENARIO:
-I am talking to someone who, although sweet as pie, really isn’t funny.

-They make a “joke", which is usually stupid/generic/cliché/stolen from Dane Cook who probably stole it from Demetri Martin.

-In the fraction of a second it takes me to laugh, their failed attempt at humor jitterbugs into my brain, where I run it through a conceptual brita filter. Then I take all the bits with any comic potential and rearrange them into something that I can laugh at ironically.*

It's like a game! Essentially, what ends up happening is 99% of the time, I’m laughing at my own joke. Okay, to be fair I’m laughing at someone else’s “joke” which I’ve expertly deconstructed and reassembled in my head. And I know I’m doing all the work, and that doesn’t seem fair and in lieu of fake laughter I should probably just say something like “nice try, jackass” and peace out. But then everyone loses!

xo

*I should probably add: I never do this with friends, because real friends let friends know when they’ve made a shitty joke.

Gimme gimme gimme

I've been reading this biography of Louisa May Alcott the past couple days and it seems like the ongoing theme is "I should do this...but I did this instead." Even in her childhood diaries she writes stuff like, "I have to try harder to be nice, even though I really want to hit my sister in the face." It's making me think a lot about human nature and the nature we're born with. You get rewarded for doing nice things when you're a little kid - you share candy with your siblings, your parents say aren't you sweet; if you hoard all your candy, your parents ask why can't you be generous like your sister? But maybe it's easy for one child to share candy because it's in her nature and maybe the other child really has to force herself not to keep every Starburst she gets her hands on. Louisa May Alcott was more difficult than most children and definitely more difficult than her sisters and her parents gave her a ton of shit about it. And then she died of mercury poisoning.

Compassion, selflessness, bravery, strength of character, generosity, those are all "societal values." But maybe some people can't be compassionate, or selfless, or brave. I've been told that I should be nicer, and sometimes I try it for a couple days (hours), and it really doesn't go well. All the meanness builds up until I do or say something truly awful. Is it a lack of self-control on my part? Or are some people actually incapable of being nice?