Jeans: Don’t wear light denim. Don’t wear jeans that are too loose. Don’t wear jeans that are too tight. Cuffed jeans and jeans that are too short only really work if you wear them right—in other words, you have to be a hipster and/or worthy of being featured on The Sartorialist.
Shorts: Cargo shorts should be illegal because they make you look like a d-bag. Don’t wear shorts that end below the knee, for fuck’s sake! Most guys think “the longer my shorts, the manlier I look”—not true, ya’ll. Not true.
Shoes: Don’t wear athletic shoes if you are not doing athletics. Don’t wear flip flops if you are not on the beach/near a pool. Don’t wear aqua socks...ever—children who wear aqua socks get picked on for being pussies, so I don't even know why they bother making ADULT aqua socks. Don’t wear Tevas with socks. Actually, just don’t wear Tevas. Fuck it, don’t wear sandals, period. Are Birkenstocks still culturally relevant on the east coast? Whatever, don’t wear those either. Don't get me started on Crocs.
T-Shirts: Seriously? This is so fucking easy. Hanes white v-necks, they sell them in packs of a bajillion. Go crazy, just check for mustard stains periodically. If you’re older than 18, you really shouldn’t be wearing shirts with words on them. As far as band t-shirts go—i'm just speculating here, but no one cares about what you like...probably.
Hats: Don’t wear fedoras. Bowler hats are slightly less repulsive than fedoras but still risky business. Straw hats are ok if you’re a farmer or a scarecrow. If you’re gonna wear a baseball cap, don’t curve the fucking bill like you’re 8 years old and don’t flip it up like you’re OG. No bucket hats--Avey Tare is the only person in the world who is allowed to wear a bucket hat, because he revolutionized music, and you didn't. Knit caps are ok, as long as they’re not so huge that you look like you’re on your way to Hyrule Castle to rescue Princess Zelda. Yeah, I made a videogame joke, fuck off.
Jewelry: NO.
Beard: yes.
Hemp: please, no.
Shorts: Cargo shorts should be illegal because they make you look like a d-bag. Don’t wear shorts that end below the knee, for fuck’s sake! Most guys think “the longer my shorts, the manlier I look”—not true, ya’ll. Not true.
Shoes: Don’t wear athletic shoes if you are not doing athletics. Don’t wear flip flops if you are not on the beach/near a pool. Don’t wear aqua socks...ever—children who wear aqua socks get picked on for being pussies, so I don't even know why they bother making ADULT aqua socks. Don’t wear Tevas with socks. Actually, just don’t wear Tevas. Fuck it, don’t wear sandals, period. Are Birkenstocks still culturally relevant on the east coast? Whatever, don’t wear those either. Don't get me started on Crocs.
T-Shirts: Seriously? This is so fucking easy. Hanes white v-necks, they sell them in packs of a bajillion. Go crazy, just check for mustard stains periodically. If you’re older than 18, you really shouldn’t be wearing shirts with words on them. As far as band t-shirts go—i'm just speculating here, but no one cares about what you like...probably.
Hats: Don’t wear fedoras. Bowler hats are slightly less repulsive than fedoras but still risky business. Straw hats are ok if you’re a farmer or a scarecrow. If you’re gonna wear a baseball cap, don’t curve the fucking bill like you’re 8 years old and don’t flip it up like you’re OG. No bucket hats--Avey Tare is the only person in the world who is allowed to wear a bucket hat, because he revolutionized music, and you didn't. Knit caps are ok, as long as they’re not so huge that you look like you’re on your way to Hyrule Castle to rescue Princess Zelda. Yeah, I made a videogame joke, fuck off.
Jewelry: NO.
Beard: yes.
Hemp: please, no.
Nick Jonas: yes
Bro from MGMT circa 2k7: nope
Bro from MGMT, present day: yes
Suit: TAILORED…come on, guy.
Suit: TAILORED…come on, guy.
Elvis Costello!
See? Easy peasy.
xo
xo
any feelings on body hair?
ReplyDeletethat's a tricky one...
ReplyDeletebody hair: ok WITHIN REASON.
i miss you! can you do a retarded girls' guide to fashion?
ReplyDeletesee, but wouldn't it be fun if they were as slick and hairless as a gay porn star?
ReplyDeletemaddie- omg too complicated...and i miss you tooooooooooooooo!!!
ReplyDeleteeli- that sounds pretty gay.
Thank you very much for this helpful list. I am in the process of sorting my wardrobe accordingly. Could you please come up with a rating system so I can evaluate myself?
ReplyDeletei don't do well with rating systems but considering you sometimes wear three piece suits for reason, i'd say you're on the right track
ReplyDeleteah yes, three piece suits are definitely in. how do you feel about bowties (not the kinds which twirl around and/or squirt water)?
ReplyDeletebowties and all ties: IN!
ReplyDeleteyessss!!! I don't wear any hats, jeans, or shorts, so all I need is a t-shirt collection overhaul and I am good to go! I will award myself a 9.
ReplyDelete