Review: What Is a Urinal?

I was going into the subway station the other day. I walked down the stairs holding onto the railing. I passed through some urine stench, gagged, and rushed through the turnstile. So far, normal. But then when I got onto the subway platform, I sniffed my hand and it smelled like I'd used it as toilet paper. Some asshole had decided to piss on the railing in a subway station and now my hand was covered in it.

You'll probably ask, Why were you holding the hand rail? Only old people do that. Well, I like holding onto the hand rail because otherwise my hands get bored, and I shouldn't have to justify using a hand rail in a subway station because I shouldn't expect people to piss on them. It shouldn't be like, "Well, you knew you were taking a risk, holding onto something that people could piss on." But that's the world we live in, and I think I know what's going on here. Some people are confused as to what is and is NOT a urinal. I will explain.

First of all, a urinal is always in a bathroom. Before unzipping your fly, you should check to make sure you are in a bathroom, or what you're about to piss on is probably not a urinal.

All right, you're saying, but once I'm in the bathroom, how do I know where to relieve myself? Urinals are white porcelain boxes lined up against the walls. They have drains in the bottom so that your piss doesn't just sit there. You can distinguish them from sinks because unlike sinks, they have no faucets.

But I like pissing on hand rails, you may say. It's convenient. It's funny when people's hands smell like my piss. And it's *my* piss, piss that I made with my own two kidneys; I should be able to put it wherever I want and you're lucky I'm sharing it with you at all. Why can't I piss on a hand rail? Fair points. The answer is that you can't piss on a hand rail because it's fucking disgusting and if I catch you doing it, I'll scalp you. You can't piss on hand rails.