Pass the mayo!

I’m pretty sure everyone who knows me knows how baffled and disgusted I am by mayo. As a new year's resolution, I even considered being less judgemental toward people who eat it, but that idea lasted for all of ten minutes. Seriously though, this stuff is worse than cow’s milk--what is, essentially, a homogenized, pasteurized mixture of antibiotics, pus, blood, and (not ya mama’s) boob juice. Yeah...it's worse than that.

First off, consider how it’s made. Who invented this shit? It’s an emulsion of oil and eggs if you make it at home, and I’m sure the store-bought varieties have a ton of added stabilizing agents. So, like…vegetable fat mixed with animal fat mixed with chemicals. MMM I WANNA EAT IT.

Now, consider the taste—It’s not spicy like mustard, it’s not sweet like ketchup, it’s not tangy like BBQ sauce, and it’s not salty like soy-sauce. So what does it taste like? It tastes like fatty, sour, vomit-inducing male ejaculate. It has the consistency of partially coagulated gelatin, it’s slimy, and oh my gosh that smell!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT SMELL. It always smells like it's way past its expiration date!! Why do you people subject yourselves to this rubbish? Have any of you actually stopped to think about what you’re eating…and why the fuck you’re eating it? I know there’s no accounting for taste, but I’m actually gagging right now just thinking of ---omg fuck it, keep slathering that synthetic jizz all over your nitrate-laden deli meats if you must, just, please, keep it the fuck away from me.